You did WHAT? You threw it away? Why? Why?? WHY??? Why would you do such a terrible, horrible, inconsiderate thing? Do you have any idea how long it took me to catch that bird? Weeks! Yes, weeks. I killed it for you. That’s right, for you! And I did not even eat any of that delicious thing. I brought it whole to you. Whole. Minus a few feathers, but that’s not the point. I saw how you freaked out when I shared half of my roof rat last week. You were running in circles, shrieking and calling your mother? What does grandma Johanna have to do with it anyway? Did you forget that she now lives out of state? I thought you were upset because I ate some of it. Notice that I kept the rump and tail part for you, which is the BEST part by far. But today, I brought you the entire bird, and you started shouting and crying again! I am thoroughly confused.
And now, you’re telling me you actually threw it away? How dare you! That was no ordinary bird. No ma’am. It put out a fight, pinched my left ear, and nearly put my eyes out with its beak. It missed me by a whisker. That’s right. And that was no sick bird either, but a bird in its PRIME I brought you. And a BIG bird too, not one of those sparrows that are all feathers and bones… Do you know how long it took me to drag it from the tool shed all the way to the kitchen? Do you? And I won’t even mention the doggy door. You try going through that flappy aperture with a dead crow in your mouth. Do you know how messy that is?
I don’t get it. I really don’t. You have complained about that particular bird for as long as I can remember. Everyone would agree that it was an obnoxious bird. It liked to hang out on the chestnut tree and tease the dog for hours. I thought that its loud raspy rattles and hoarse rambling irritated the heck out of you as well. Didn’t you send Charlotte out many times to shoo him off? You can now enjoy your backyard. You’re welcome.
I still cannot believe that you threw it away. How could you? How could you??